A New Normal – Manifesting Life

Finding a New Normal – Manifesting Your Life

I find myself feeling like I just free fell out of a plane and landed in a new land. Everything is new around me, my job, my thoughts, where I live, what I drive and what I am eating. All of these things are a direct reflection of my thoughts and being open to all that was coming to me for my highest good. Now what?
I am not the discerner of all things for my highest good. As I know so well, when I say that, I know that means bring on the good, the ugly and the not so comfortable at all. That IS ALL for my highest good. Just because something scares the crap out of me does not mean in the long run I am not going to look back and say …..mmmmm, Thank you God. That sucked but I get it.

Like a few years ago when I was laid off from my corporate job. I worked at the same company for 17 years after I finally got to a position that I loved and I learned to manage my team and adored each and every one of them like family. We reached a point of normal and it felt so good. The money was enough and I was able to teach yoga at the same time. I even opened a yoga studio while I had that job. I knew lay-offs were coming and discussed it with my then husband. No problem. I will teach at the yoga studio and all will be well. This will be the first time I do not work for a company in 25 years.
When the layoff came the world changed. It was scary. I no longer would be supporting myself and would have to rely on a man for support.
In yoga we learn to go with the flow. Love and be loved. In marriage we say, we can get through anything together. Well that only works when both people believe in the same thing.
I always say, don’t come to me and say you know what I have been through unless you have had your back against the wall and had to make tough decisions about life that will affect everything around you.
I choses yoga over my marriage. I did that. I saw what it did for me and I saw what it was doing for other people. And I knew this was my life purpose. If I gave that up, I would fail at my purpose. I had to make a choice, sell the studio and get a job or leave the marriage. That was the choice I was given.

I had to take a job anyways and I have never felt so out of place in my life. I felt like I was taking a giant step back in life and in my career. I am embarrassed to admit that I cried every single day. It was just so uncomfortable and the people around me I could not seem to connect with at all.
Maybe it was my age that I was scared to learn something new. As time went on, slowly I started to embrace the job still feeling very, very off my path in life. I just simply put one foot in front of the other for months and that led to more months. That is all. I barely smiled or laughed. Nothing and no one gave me courage, life lessons or wisdom. I got promoted to another job and had an opportunity to make more money. Now I was meeting new people that would share a little more and open up about life and connect. I felt like I was having a breakdown. My body was screaming to me that I am off path and need to correct. I did not know what to do.

So last January 2018 I started weight training with a personal trainer. Let me correct that, I signed up and then tried to cancel because I was too scared to go through with it but they would not cancel my membership, Thank God. I had to go. Max, my trainer, pushed me in ways I have never been pushed. I learned something that I did not know. When you feel like you have given all you can and you can’t go any further, guess what? You can. Sometimes you will shake uncontrollably, sometimes you don’t want to go and other days you are full of energy and want to push further, and sometimes your workout will push you so hard you will throw up. (Ok, that only happened once.) But do you hear the message? It is a metaphor for life. I hated it!! I did not want to go until
One
Day
I looked in the mirror and saw something. My body was changing and I was in love with the feeling and what I was seeing. I had to create a new normal with my workouts because I did not want to lose that feeling. I never thought that would be me. I made that time for myself a priority. Yoga and strength training became my life love.

As I became stronger in my skin, I started to date again. I went on some awesome meet ups with some special guys. California Matt, Mesa Matt, Cocky Randy, Maui Chris and a few others. I was finally not in a place where I wanted to be in a relationship at all. What??? So awesome. I could enjoy someone’s company and not fall in love? Wait what??? This is all new…so new.
Then Sedona happened. A silly little date with someone who lived in Sedona. What could be better? We decided we would just meet and be friends because we were not making any real connections online dating. Then I would have a friend in Sedona, he said.
When I got to Sedona and Sedona Steve and I were talking about life, I learned he has moved and lived in many places in the world and traveled the rest. He is obsessed with Italy and wants to live there someday.
He asked me why I don’t live in Sedona. I said I am not sure. I knew a move was coming I just did not know where it was. I thought I was about to move to Costa Rica and teach yoga or something.
After a fun weekend, I went back home and back to work and just for fun I looked to see what jobs were in Sedona.
Side note: I started to manifest what I wanted in life and in my job and put on my vision board, the words, A Place I LOVE, referring to a place I love to live. I like to be very vague about things on my vision board because I find that sometimes the universe will surprise you and give you more than you ever dreamed. I talked to my therapist who has been helping me with my writing, about the fact that I wanted a job where I could see my car from the window, that I did not want to work in a huge call center where I had to walk a far way to my car. For some reason that was important to me.

Well a job came up in Sedona, I went for it and got it. I knew it was my job just like I knew I wanted to open a yoga studio. In a few weeks I was not only living in Sedona but teaching yoga there too. The vision of the studio where I work is to make Sedona the yoga mecca for visitors from all over the world. So I got the job I better than I ever dreamed of because I get to do what I do best, connecting to people and I get to teach yoga in a place that is on its way to becoming THE place for yoga.
So don’t tell me that the universe isn’t listening. If you believe in God, go ahead and call it that.
If you believe that GOD is one with you, then believe it. Whatever you choose to believe, I support you as long as you know in your heart fully that life is happening for you, not to you.
Notice, everything I wrote here are all the great things that happened. It is not all that pretty. You can be sure that when life starts to move into the new as you leave the past behind, your samskaras, your insecurities, your pain body, will arise. The most important thing is to be ready for it.
Pain will come when you least expect it. You will be challenged to find your place of grounding and you must keep a list of things you hold dear. A list of things you live life for. Go back to that list every day and make your decisions based on what you hold dear.
Discern what is uncomfortable with what is crazy. Hmm, I am not going to lie, I struggle with this one. I am not sure why I wrote it but it flowed out of my fingers so let’s go with it. A lot of people think I am crazy for a lot of the decisions I make. At the end of my days, I will look back and laugh because there is not one single decision that I regret. The only thing I may regret is not doing more crazy shit.

But if it is going to hurt you or someone else you probably should not do it.
Having said that, sometimes it hurts when we leave old relationships behind to move forward on to something or someone new. Leave lovingly and peacefully and put it and them in God’s hands.

Stay grounded- I keep saying that. But it is a big one. You have got to stay connected to who you are.
Insecurities will rise and you will start to question everything. Its ok, question away. Just watch where the answers are coming from. You? Or your friends? Are the answers coming from Fear?
Sedona Steve says Fear is a Liar. Yep I believe that. I say Fear is an apostrophe. Take a step back, ground in and do it. At least you can say you did.
At the end of our days, what do we have to show for our lives? The things we collected? The lives we touched? I would rather remember a feeling than a thing.
There are beautiful souls all over the world in fight or flight right now trying to find their new normal.
Without diving back into your past, think about the energetic lessons you have felt in life.
There are people in this world chasing a high. The newness of a relationship, that new car, marriage, more money, learning a new skill. There is something called being addicted to the new. We love new things. But what about the new normal? If we seek so much new than why do we want a new normal?
It is a place of grounding that we crave. We all have it. We all have a place in us that is filled with peace and all the answers we need. When life gets crazy we lose that connection and we start living from a place of ego and that’s ok. Yoga teaches us how to come back and reconnect. So instead of a new normal, let us embrace a world full of constant change.

So what am I manifesting next?

ZenLife Yoga is going to touch as many people as it can in the year 2019 in Queen Creek AND now in Sedona with our weekly classes, monthly workshops and retreats.
Thank you God for all of the souls we are touching every day.

Zenlife Yoga Teacher Training is going to KILL IT in 2019 and graduate AUMAZING yoga teachers into the world.

What are you manifesting??????

Time

Time.

 

They all said time would take away the pain. I began to really hate the word time. Every bit of it meant I was further and further away from you. You will eventually turn into just a memory.  I cling to a version of you that wasn’t real. I saw your soul but you don’t know him. I met your higher self but you are unaware that he is there. You are stuck in this world of pain and suffering and you don’t see the beauty behind your eyes. The love in the depth of your being. I longed for you to see all that I am and see beyond the masks and insecurities. I hoped for your strength to shine through. I hoped for my strength to allow me to endure that pain in your eyes. Time. They say ….give it time. And all will be well. Look at things from a bigger picture and see how small your problems are. What a beautiful life we have. I feel your presence around me. I feel your heart beating. I can smell you. Time …time.

The Path to Healing

The path to healing

 

Trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma, she said. I looked at her with a sigh of relief for at this moment someone was validating what I have been through. But, now what? How do I stop letting the past paralyze me forever? How do I fix me so that I can be truly happy in my own skin and stop sending signals to every person in the world to treat me like I am not worthy of love, not good enough, not pretty enough and not a strong woman?  More importantly, why am I sending them? Why am I feeling them?

How many times can I put myself in the same situation expecting different results?

After 25 years of counseling, hundreds of books, crying, struggling, running, from relationships, to relationships, suicidal thoughts, blaming and playing victim has led me somewhere.

To where? I will tell you right now.

There have been many times in my life that I cried, “make it stop!”

 I don’t think I really did want it to stop.

Why? Let me dig deep. These were my thoughts and maybe some still linger.

I am afraid to succeed. I am afraid of being judged for going out and doing something that is totally meaningful to me.

I am afraid to let go of the past because doing so would lead to happiness and I don’t know what that looks like. It may be uncomfortable. It is not what I am used to. I have been carrying this baggage for a long time, I am not sure I am ready to give it up.

I am afraid to look in the mirror and see that the person staring back is enough and is beautiful in her own way.  I don’t even think it is possible because no one has ever told me I was pretty when I was growing up.

I don’t know where to begin.

So here is what I learned:

Fear is why I never got better. Fear is the thing that is at the root of all of my issues.

No matter where this conditioning came from, fear is what I have carried for years and it has led to the relationship where I was treated with disrespect so blatantly that I finally dropped to my knees and said it is now enough. I just wasn’t ready before. I wasn’t ready to stand up for me, ugly cry and move on. I don’t mean to the next guy, I mean move and shift, everything.

For some, “the man,” is a beer or food or some other thing we do to avoid feelings and living life in the now.

How did I stop handing over the power to dictate who I am and what my worth is?

It didn’t happen until I was ready. When the student is ready the teacher will appear.

That teacher can be so many things. It can be people in your life, a great book, situations, an actual teacher…blah, blah, blah.

This TEACHER was and is the one right inside of me. The one who has been silently watching me struggle, cry, make mistakes and stood strong holding space for me until I was really ready to do it.

To do what?

To heal. There comes a time when your bigger self, higher self will step forward and shine your light for just a second and you will know.

It doesn’t happen magically. Here is how it happens.

I changed my thoughts. Knowing I have the power over them. Yeah talk to me when I am in the deepest depression and I will tell you to go F yourself.  During PMS this is hard too. But reading Eckhart Tolle’s thoughts on this help. I noticed the thoughts that come up and the feelings associated and I didn’t judge them. I let them come up and I stayed with the feeling until it passes. This is not easy sometimes but as I got used to it, the feelings left quicker and quicker.  I love and I love deep so a lot of my thoughts have feelings of pain for loving so deeply. That is ok. I am amazing for loving so deeply. That is a good thing. I stay with this practice every single day.

I even changed my thoughts about my job. This was another hard thing for me. Soon enough I was smiling and laughing at work and enjoying what I do. I found a way to bring my love for all to the work I do at my corporate job.   

I moved my body every day. I worked out at the gym and lifted weights and watched my body change. Pretty soon this girl who hated to look in the mirror was lifting dumbbells right in front of the mirror and gasping at the way the body can respond to my workouts.  I did yoga with my classes and felt my body stretching and twisting and I was so grateful to have a healthy body.

I ate clean.

Here is what happened:

I felt better. What? Yeah I felt better. I slept better. My body feels good and my thoughts started to automatically think positive almost all day. I started to realize people were smiling around me. I felt strong. Let me say that again. I FELT STRONG. STRONG IN MY BODY AND MY MIND.

I no longer wonder why the man did not love me. I will be honest, when I think about how I was treated I imagine punching him in the face with my new muscles. Haha. Come on we all have thoughts of getting even. As long as we can laugh, they are ok.  I send huge amounts of love to him when thoughts of him come up and I thank him for being my last teacher about how I want to be treated.  I am excited for people to come into my life who enjoy my company and spend my time grateful for my friends and family.

New people started to enter my life. I spend time with new and old friends who are loving and kind and funny as hell.

In a nutshell: I AM FREE. AND it is a blessing.

 

My Note to Self:

The opposite of fear is LOVE. If you want to let go of fear than welcome all the love in the world! You have an abundance of it. Your higher self has loved you so much that she was the witness as you lived your life till now and did not magically make anything different. But when you were ready and you looked up and stopped looking back, your higher Self  stepped in and assisted you to carry through.

You allowed healing to happen. You dug deep to find the root cause and then felt the feelings you have pushed away for 35 years.  You cried and now……

But He told me I wasn’t pretty….I am beautiful in my own way and if I am not for you then fuck off.

He told me I am not smart…..I am as smart as I need to be.

He did not care about me or what I needed in life……I know what I need and will listen to what is in my heart and will go and do all the things that make me happy.

He would not pay for me to eat….I take care of myself and can pay for my food any time I am hungry.

I am grateful that I know who I am and what I am worth.

We are all so beautiful and loving and kind. There is good in all of us.

So what now? Share it with the world. (or Queen Creek to start)                

I did do something that meant something to me. I put myself out there and opened a yoga studio.

I created a place where you can go to be yourself and never, ever be judged and you can practice changing your thoughts and receive all the love we have to give.  I have hired some of the most authentic teachers there are who are willing to share their lives and practices with you. We will hold space for you as you allow the feelings to rise up and let them hang out there in order to let them go for good. We are here to celebrate you every day.